Fallen Idol

Deep in the heart of Texas there are rumblings going on. American Idol, that piece of shit show on Fox, is holding auditions for it's new season (number 9 from my shoddy research) in Arlington this Friday. I know this because it is all over the news here in Texas. The news reports are not about how or when one might audition, but about the faux pas AI made about where the auditions are to be held. That's right folks, those people who will be bringing you the next fodder for entertainment television apparently do much shoddier research than myself.

The AI website says Dallas-Cowboys Stadium is the location of the auditions this Friday. However, Cowboys Stadium is located in Arlington, not Dallas. "Live Large. Think Big." is Dallas' new slogan and it represents the "can do" mentality of the city. Dallas is diverse, luxurious, and bustling. So says the AI website. It also says, both registration and auditions will take place at the Cowboys Stadium. It then gives the address: Dallas Cowboys Stadium, One Legends Way, Arlington, TX 76011. Hmm, which is it AI? Dallas or Arlington? Dallas is 27 miles from Arlington.

To Texans, 27 miles is just a hop, skip, and a jump. But to most AI dream seekers, this may be a huge obstacle. I have only watched AI once, and it is 10 minutes of my life I will never get back. The 10 minutes I did watch was an early part of the season (season 2, if I am remembering correctly) when they show all the wannabe idols who are sadly buffoonish, and instantly rejected. These are the people whose dreams are crushed in seconds. These are also the people who probably spent their meager nest-egg trying to get their 15 minutes of fame. I picture these folks hitching rides or their cars over-heating just to make it to the audition.

Lucky for them, AI has forewarned them about how to get to where their dreams may come true. No lie...on the AI website it says, cars are the main mode of transportation around Dallas, but there are plenty of eco-friendly options available too. Dallas Area Rapid Transit (DART) provides bus and rail transportation. A single ride costs $1.50, and a day pass is only $3.00. HOWEVER, DART will not take you to the new Cowboys Stadium in Arlington. To get there, you will need to drive. AI can't provide a shuttle?

To add insult to injury, the Arlington Convention & Visitors Bureau is orchestrating an e-mail campaign to let AI know which "bustling" city, known by the Flying A on the water tower, is the home of the new $1.15 billion stadium. If it's written on a city's water tower, the town must be bustling. Water towers are the new way to get a town on the map, and maybe even on the travel channel. Diane Brandon, the bureau’s vice president of marketing and public relations says, "It’s going to take a little while before it’s in the public consciousness that the stadium is in Arlington." I am thinking, if in a state where football is more important than education, people will figure it out.

I have an idea AI. Why don't you just pick out all those rejects before you belittle them in front of millions of Americans, put them on the Greyhound headed to Austin, where every Wednesday night they hold auditions for Stripper Idol at Palacio, a gentlemens club. Put these people out of their misery tout suite. You can do society a favor and show these poor souls where they will eventually end up after their dreams are crushed, the strip club.

Cruise Director Julie McCoy I'm Not

Somehow working at a restaurant in the downtown area has given people the idea that I know a lot about what is going on in the city on any given day. Well, I am here to tell you that I don't. I am just the lowly waitress bringing your food and drink. I wait tables at a restaurant across from a park that hosts all types of festivals, concerts, and the like. The restaurant is also three blocks from an arena which hosts sporting events, concerts, comedy shows, and other such happenings. Three blocks in the other direction is an amphitheater where many concerts are held. Whenever one of these venues has something going on the restaurant becomes much busier. That I like. It puts more cash in my otherwise empty pockets. What I don't like is the bombardment of seemingly innocent questions I am asked during these rushes. (For those of you who have never worked in the restaurant industry, a rush is when it is so busy you don't have time for anything but the waiting of tables.)

Some of the questions asked are so idiotic it makes me want to slap people. I am going to the concert up the street. Do you know what time the doors open? No, but maybe if you look at the ticket YOU bought that may have the information you need. Do you know what time the music ends? No, but maybe you could check the schedule on your iPhone. If you don't have a one I will rent you mine for fifty cents a minute. Where can we park if we are going to the show? In a parking space near the venue. Do you know who is playing? Okay, this is usually asked when there is a free concert at the earlier mentioned park, but I don't know. I am at work.

Other nights, or days when there may be something going on further downtown, I am often asked random questions that only the employees or members of the chamber of commerce are privy to knowing. Do you know what is going on downtown? Nope, just here working today. Hope you find the answer. There are a bunch of streets closed downtown. Do you know what is going on? No, I had to work today so I didn't look to see what magical event I might be missing.

A favorite most hated question is asked when I am generally very busy. You may notice I am busy working, because I am your waitress. But hey, ask away. Can you take our picture? Sure, just let me wipe the sweat off my brow so I don't fuck up your nice digital camera, and right after I take the orders, bring the drinks, and serve the food to my other tables. You know, those other people you could have asked to take your picture, the ones just sitting around at the next table not working.

However, the icing on the cake has to be questions regarding whether or not I have some crayons or something that will keep your children at bay while you try to eat a nice dinner. It is not my responsibility to keep your children entertained. Those are called baby-sitters. A novel concept...I know.

Try to remember people, I am your waitress. I am not a cast member on your TV cruise ship. I am not your cruise director Julie McCoy, here to help you when you can't help yourself. I am not your bartender Issac Washington, who had a right answer for everything. Nor am I Yeoman-Purser Burl "Gopher" Smith, who went on in real life to become a US senator, helping to create the laws regarding sound ordinances, closing of streets, and where parking is allowed or not allowed. (On a federal level, but you get the idea.)

Get a baby-sitter, be informed about your leisure activities, and let me do my job. I'm busy!

I Want My Two Dollars

Rumor has it that Oprah may have said, in these hard economic times people should tip waiters 10-15%. I can't find any confirmation of this rumor but, it seems that it is all over the interweb, and on the mind of every waiter I know. I know a lot of waiters, and they are all cursing Oprah when tipped on the 1960's end of the tipping spectrum. What I did find, is that it may not have been Oprah, but a writer for O, The Oprah Magazine. The article allegedly was printed in 2002. I can't access this article from my computer because it must be paid for before reading. Since those jerk-offs have been leaving me 10% lately, I neither have the resources to pay for said article, nor do I want to give her and her empire any of my less than normal cold hard cash. Regardless, knowing what I don't know of Oprah ( I know nothing), she had to have known what was printed in her magazine.

I have been experiencing the effect of this alleged rumor, and it is not making me happy. I fully understand that times are tough, but if you feel that tipping is not within your budget, eat at home. If you feel the need to go out to eat, then go to your local fast food restaurant where tipping is not expected (or taxed based on your sales regardless of the tips made). The creepy Burger King king will give you free Star Trek glasses if you order certain items at his restaurant. You don't have to tip, and you get something for free that you can use at the dinner table.

What I did find out is that Oprah says to tip 15-20%. This can be found on her website. Here's the rub, and I quote, "Normally, 15 to 20 percent of the total bill—20 percent for a first-class place." What the fuck Oprah? If you receive proper service, then tip the 20%. Get your head out of those elitist clouds. Okay...okay. Some of you may be saying, "what if the service is bad?" Then yes, you may choose to tip poorly, or not tip, dependent on the degree of bad. Just know that waiters in Texas, at least, make $2.13 an hour.

So, to all you a-holes that have been leaving me a $4.00 tip on a $40.00 check, I want my two dollars.

Pee Like A Dog Poop Like A Cat

Warning: If you have a weak stomach when it comes to the human digestive tract or reproductive system, you may want to stop reading now.

In the office building where I work there is one ladies room for the whole building. It has 5 regular stalls and 1 "big" stall. The last few times I have gone to do my business, little gifts were left behind. Not in just one stall, but in several stalls. What the fuck, ladies?! This is not a daycare where some are potty trained and others are not. I know this because I have seen remnants of those "falling to Communists", if you get my drift. If I wanted to use a port-o-potty, I would have gotten a job at a construction site. Other personal items have also remained after the flushing of the comfort station. Sometimes the curtains don't match the rug as told by the evidence left on the lid.

I am starting to feel like the character Paul Finch from American Pie. I am getting to the point where I have to drive home to use the commode. The most common occurrence is pee on the seat. When did the old adage, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat, fall by the wayside? Really? You can't clean up after yourselves? I clean up my vomit chunks that don't make it in the porcelain receptacle every day after lunch.

The best/worst has to be the other day when there was shit, that's right, shit, on the side of the toilet bowl. I kid you not. I couldn't believe it. I ended up vomiting in the trash can that day. Dogs have better bathroom behavior than the adults I work with.

I think I am going to start going outside by the tree in the parking lot, and lifting my leg when I need to void my bladder. If I need to go number two, then I will imitate a cat. Cats cover up their poop with dirt when they are done.

Problem solved.

Use The Silencer

Over the weekend I went to see two movies. At both movies I was surrounded by persons who did not get the memo on movie theater etiquette. Or, I did not get the memo that movie theater is now a synonym for a private home's living room. Both times I went to the movies I was surrounded by folks who were disrupting my moviegoing pleasure. When going to a movie theater I seek solace, darkness, and entertainment. This was not the case, either time.

The first film of the weekend was Mary Poppins. Yes, that delightful 1964 Disney classic starring Julie Andrews and the king of slapstick himself, Dick Van Dyke. I was expecting to have some in house disturbance given the median age of moviegoers was 6. I was mistaken. The demographic that made me forget the spoonful of sugar in my medicine was a median age of 19. Sitting directly behind me was a gang of four from the latter demographic. From the get-go they were answering cell phone calls, talking loudly among each other, and commenting on what was happening in the film. Mary Poppins may be practically perfect in every way, but if she used her tape measure on any one of these four boors, it would have measured them at "dumb ass". My partner in crime and myself patiently waited for them to calm it, stop the nonsense, spit spot, but that didn't happen. So, about 45 minutes into the movie, my partner in crime turned around and said, "The 5-year-olds in here behave better than you." There was a knuckle knock exchanged between us to commemorate the hopeful silence of the annoyers. Yet, those douches kept on, but now with whispers. I tried mind bullets on them, but they just looked back with glances of supercalifragilisticexpialidocious-ness. Damn that Mary Poppins.

The next day, I went to see The Brothers Bloom sans partner in crime. This movie is rated PG-13. I was hoping there were no tweens, teens, or twenty-somethings to ruin my experience this time. False. The theater was only a third filled when I chose my seat. I had a row to myself. By the time the movie started, my row had two pairs on either side of me. The pair to the left were many seats away, but the pair to the right were only two seats away. A tween and her mother (or an aunt, not sure. I know it was a grown-up). During this screening, the "mother/aunt" was explaining the movie to the tween. The sound in the theater waxed and waned. There was not enough waxing to drown out the explaining of the plot, or repeating of lines just said by the characters. I wanted to hurt someone. Okay, not someone, but that pair to the right of me.

It was after that second film that I thought to myself, I am glad I am against firearms because a silencer would have come in handy. I then remembered those poisonous darts I smuggled in from Papau New Guinea and what Tony Soprano once said, "A wrong decision is better than indecision." Bring me my straw!

I Heart Boners

Today Pfizer announced that they will be giving their drugs away for free to those who have lost their health insurance since January, and had already been taking the drugs for at least three months. Among the drugs that will be offered is Viagra. As we all know, losing your job sucks. And, if you are a man with ED, what better way to get over the loss than to receive free Viagra. You can't afford the Viagra due to the loss of income but let's face facts people, society can't afford guys walking around not feeling manly. Especially here in Texas, where concealed weapons are legal. And...I am not talking about the one's Pfizer helps to create. Coincidentally, this comes on the heels of a change in Texas Law.

Last Tuesday, the Texas Senate voted to repeal a $5-per-person admission fee on strip clubs that has been ruled unconstitutional and agreed to replace it with a new tax on sexually oriented businesses. The bill now goes to Gov. Rick Perry for his consideration. Is it a coincidence?

Maybe Pfizer and the Texas governor should ask Sydney Fife, Jason Segel's character from I Love You, Man, to do a PSA for the dual announcements. It could go something like this: Fife goes to the pharmacy for his free Viagra then visits the local strip club. With the owner's new found joy that they no longer have to pay the state $5.00 for the admission of Mr. Fife. he is offered a complimentary lap dance. He goes home and recreates the man cave scene. Fife's character enters the frame, the camera panning the the room. While looking seriously at the camera, Fife says the line from the movie, "This is the man cave, there's no women allowed in here. I got a jerk-off station for God's sake." He sits in the jerk-off chair while a voice over let's the audience know how to obtain the free Viagra, and gives out Govenor Rick Perry's phone number to let him know your feelings about repealing this 2 year old law that was declared unconstitutional.

Let's hope that this does not start a backlash of those who think boners and strip clubs don't go together. It would sort of be like a divorce between peanut butter and chocolate...goodbye Resse's peanut butter cups.

A special thanks to Austin. Thanks for showing me your i-Pod inscription all those years ago! I have now stolen your genius for my title.

Would The Real Condiment Please Stand Up?

As everyone has probably heard, President Obama likes spicy mustard on his burger. Stop the presses. Ketchup is pissed. Sean Hannity of Fox News fame, by the bye, is also pissed, along with Mark Steyn, and Laura Ingram. What kind of a person, they demand to know, wants mustard on their burger? Spicy mustard at that. I for one like mustard on my burger. As a matter of fact, I like a cheeseburger with mustard and pickles only. It is delicious. Yet, these pundits are raking President Obama over the coals for ordering a burger the way he likes it. Hannity said on his Fox News show about Obama's choice of condiment, "plain old ketchup didn't cut it for him." Have they forgotten who John Kerry is married to?

However, since President Obama requested spicy or Dijon mustard, which are synonymous in the culinary world, Hannity ran with the first thing that entered his mind, the old Grey Poupon commercial. Guys in Rolls Royce's being elitist about their mustard. He left out the part where Grey Poupon is made by Kraft Foods, an American company.

I suppose Hannity also forgot about that time Bridget Marquart of Girls Next Door fame went to New York City, and refused every hot dog at every hot dog stand because they only had spicy mustard, not the plain yellow kind, even after the hot dog was made, and given to her. He didn't complain about that. Oh, right...she is just like the girl next door, your regular, everyday, average Joelene who likes 'regular' mustard, not the spicy kind. And, she did take her clothes off for the good of the country. But then again, he did drop out of NYU. I guess he could have once been intelligent until he had to write a research paper instead of talking out of his ass.

If Fox News, et al, really wanted to hit home the point of how much they despise Obama and his evilness, why didn't they mention the name of the restaurant he ate said burger? Ray's Hell-Burger. They could have thrown in some bible verse related to mustard to make their point. I am sure there is one.

Ironically, it was the Romans who invented this condiment. Hannity, being of Irish descent, should be ashamed for admonishing spicy mustard. It was given to this world by the same folks who gave his people their religion.

So, because he hates it so much, I will relish in it every time I request it. I might just start a company who makes a spicy mustard perfume. Catering to the elite, of course.