Sunday, May 31, 2009

Pee Like A Dog Poop Like A Cat

Warning: If you have a weak stomach when it comes to the human digestive tract or reproductive system, you may want to stop reading now.

In the office building where I work there is one ladies room for the whole building. It has 5 regular stalls and 1 "big" stall. The last few times I have gone to do my business, little gifts were left behind. Not in just one stall, but in several stalls. What the fuck, ladies?! This is not a daycare where some are potty trained and others are not. I know this because I have seen remnants of those "falling to Communists", if you get my drift. If I wanted to use a port-o-potty, I would have gotten a job at a construction site. Other personal items have also remained after the flushing of the comfort station. Sometimes the curtains don't match the rug as told by the evidence left on the lid.

I am starting to feel like the character Paul Finch from American Pie. I am getting to the point where I have to drive home to use the commode. The most common occurrence is pee on the seat. When did the old adage, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat, fall by the wayside? Really? You can't clean up after yourselves? I clean up my vomit chunks that don't make it in the porcelain receptacle every day after lunch.

The best/worst has to be the other day when there was shit, that's right, shit, on the side of the toilet bowl. I kid you not. I couldn't believe it. I ended up vomiting in the trash can that day. Dogs have better bathroom behavior than the adults I work with.

I think I am going to start going outside by the tree in the parking lot, and lifting my leg when I need to void my bladder. If I need to go number two, then I will imitate a cat. Cats cover up their poop with dirt when they are done.

Problem solved.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Use The Silencer

Over the weekend I went to see two movies. At both movies I was surrounded by persons who did not get the memo on movie theater etiquette. Or, I did not get the memo that movie theater is now a synonym for a private home's living room. Both times I went to the movies I was surrounded by folks who were disrupting my moviegoing pleasure. When going to a movie theater I seek solace, darkness, and entertainment. This was not the case, either time.

The first film of the weekend was Mary Poppins. Yes, that delightful 1964 Disney classic starring Julie Andrews and the king of slapstick himself, Dick Van Dyke. I was expecting to have some in house disturbance given the median age of moviegoers was 6. I was mistaken. The demographic that made me forget the spoonful of sugar in my medicine was a median age of 19. Sitting directly behind me was a gang of four from the latter demographic. From the get-go they were answering cell phone calls, talking loudly among each other, and commenting on what was happening in the film. Mary Poppins may be practically perfect in every way, but if she used her tape measure on any one of these four boors, it would have measured them at "dumb ass". My partner in crime and myself patiently waited for them to calm it, stop the nonsense, spit spot, but that didn't happen. So, about 45 minutes into the movie, my partner in crime turned around and said, "The 5-year-olds in here behave better than you." There was a knuckle knock exchanged between us to commemorate the hopeful silence of the annoyers. Yet, those douches kept on, but now with whispers. I tried mind bullets on them, but they just looked back with glances of supercalifragilisticexpialidocious-ness. Damn that Mary Poppins.

The next day, I went to see The Brothers Bloom sans partner in crime. This movie is rated PG-13. I was hoping there were no tweens, teens, or twenty-somethings to ruin my experience this time. False. The theater was only a third filled when I chose my seat. I had a row to myself. By the time the movie started, my row had two pairs on either side of me. The pair to the left were many seats away, but the pair to the right were only two seats away. A tween and her mother (or an aunt, not sure. I know it was a grown-up). During this screening, the "mother/aunt" was explaining the movie to the tween. The sound in the theater waxed and waned. There was not enough waxing to drown out the explaining of the plot, or repeating of lines just said by the characters. I wanted to hurt someone. Okay, not someone, but that pair to the right of me.

It was after that second film that I thought to myself, I am glad I am against firearms because a silencer would have come in handy. I then remembered those poisonous darts I smuggled in from Papau New Guinea and what Tony Soprano once said, "A wrong decision is better than indecision." Bring me my straw!

Friday, May 15, 2009

I Heart Boners

Today Pfizer announced that they will be giving their drugs away for free to those who have lost their health insurance since January, and had already been taking the drugs for at least three months. Among the drugs that will be offered is Viagra. As we all know, losing your job sucks. And, if you are a man with ED, what better way to get over the loss than to receive free Viagra. You can't afford the Viagra due to the loss of income but let's face facts people, society can't afford guys walking around not feeling manly. Especially here in Texas, where concealed weapons are legal. And...I am not talking about the one's Pfizer helps to create. Coincidentally, this comes on the heels of a change in Texas Law.

Last Tuesday, the Texas Senate voted to repeal a $5-per-person admission fee on strip clubs that has been ruled unconstitutional and agreed to replace it with a new tax on sexually oriented businesses. The bill now goes to Gov. Rick Perry for his consideration. Is it a coincidence?

Maybe Pfizer and the Texas governor should ask Sydney Fife, Jason Segel's character from I Love You, Man, to do a PSA for the dual announcements. It could go something like this: Fife goes to the pharmacy for his free Viagra then visits the local strip club. With the owner's new found joy that they no longer have to pay the state $5.00 for the admission of Mr. Fife. he is offered a complimentary lap dance. He goes home and recreates the man cave scene. Fife's character enters the frame, the camera panning the the room. While looking seriously at the camera, Fife says the line from the movie, "This is the man cave, there's no women allowed in here. I got a jerk-off station for God's sake." He sits in the jerk-off chair while a voice over let's the audience know how to obtain the free Viagra, and gives out Govenor Rick Perry's phone number to let him know your feelings about repealing this 2 year old law that was declared unconstitutional.

Let's hope that this does not start a backlash of those who think boners and strip clubs don't go together. It would sort of be like a divorce between peanut butter and chocolate...goodbye Resse's peanut butter cups.

A special thanks to Austin. Thanks for showing me your i-Pod inscription all those years ago! I have now stolen your genius for my title.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Would The Real Condiment Please Stand Up?

As everyone has probably heard, President Obama likes spicy mustard on his burger. Stop the presses. Ketchup is pissed. Sean Hannity of Fox News fame, by the bye, is also pissed, along with Mark Steyn, and Laura Ingram. What kind of a person, they demand to know, wants mustard on their burger? Spicy mustard at that. I for one like mustard on my burger. As a matter of fact, I like a cheeseburger with mustard and pickles only. It is delicious. Yet, these pundits are raking President Obama over the coals for ordering a burger the way he likes it. Hannity said on his Fox News show about Obama's choice of condiment, "plain old ketchup didn't cut it for him." Have they forgotten who John Kerry is married to?

However, since President Obama requested spicy or Dijon mustard, which are synonymous in the culinary world, Hannity ran with the first thing that entered his mind, the old Grey Poupon commercial. Guys in Rolls Royce's being elitist about their mustard. He left out the part where Grey Poupon is made by Kraft Foods, an American company.

I suppose Hannity also forgot about that time Bridget Marquart of Girls Next Door fame went to New York City, and refused every hot dog at every hot dog stand because they only had spicy mustard, not the plain yellow kind, even after the hot dog was made, and given to her. He didn't complain about that. Oh, right...she is just like the girl next door, your regular, everyday, average Joelene who likes 'regular' mustard, not the spicy kind. And, she did take her clothes off for the good of the country. But then again, he did drop out of NYU. I guess he could have once been intelligent until he had to write a research paper instead of talking out of his ass.

If Fox News, et al, really wanted to hit home the point of how much they despise Obama and his evilness, why didn't they mention the name of the restaurant he ate said burger? Ray's Hell-Burger. They could have thrown in some bible verse related to mustard to make their point. I am sure there is one.

Ironically, it was the Romans who invented this condiment. Hannity, being of Irish descent, should be ashamed for admonishing spicy mustard. It was given to this world by the same folks who gave his people their religion.

So, because he hates it so much, I will relish in it every time I request it. I might just start a company who makes a spicy mustard perfume. Catering to the elite, of course.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

No...The Other Left

News flash...the Internet is not always correct. Have you ever tried to use Google maps or Mapquest to find a location, and it turns out to be incorrect? Google has been known to be wrong, as we all have. Let me tell you a little secret...don't use these sites if you are driving an ambulance in Williamson County, Texas. Especially if it is a life threatening situation. Use the old paper kind of map, you know, the one that you have to physically unfold, turn by hand, and actually read. Oh Hell, have a list of hospital addresses on hand if your job is to take an emergent case to a hospital. Stop using that newfangled GPS crap that is the not so latest craze. Why? I'll tell you why.

Today there was a story on the local Fox News station blaming Google for potentially causing a neighborhood to freak out, and perhaps deter someone from possibly needed immediate medical care. There is a hospital in Round Rock, Texas, there may be two, who knows, but I digress. Anyhoo...apparently Google had the wrong address given to them which brought about ambulances mistakenly driving through a neighborhood looking for that particular hospital. The residents panicked.

Yet, instead of calling the EMT headquarters they called the local Fox affiliate. If you have ever been to Williamson County, you would not be surprised. Fox was on the case. Residents were quoted. The one quote that stuck with me was, "I figured, somebody is going to die out here, on the, at the intersection here, looking for the dag-gone hospital." Fox e-mailed Google to let them know of their snafu. Google quickly updated their system to the correct address. Of course, the hospital had to put their two cents in after it was all said and done. "Ensuring accurate information on increasingly popular web based mapping services has become a priority for us. We have already taken steps to correct wrong addresses on the mapping services of Google and MapQuest." This administrator also recommended that the hospital site be referenced if in need of their address.

My advice you ask? Call a cab...they know the ins and outs of their city, they drive like bats out of Hell, and they are less expensive!