You're Cut Off

Lately in the news, there have been many stories regarding U.S. policy on torture. During the reign of terror that was the G.W. Bush years, the Administration came up the phrase "enhanced interrogation". This catchphrase was used so the Administration could torture people, but in a seemingly nice way. Here in Texas, where G.W. once again resides, there is an agency called the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission who have their own form of torture. First, a little history.

The TABC has the task of inspecting, supervising and regulating every phase of business related to alcoholic beverages. Much like the Bush Administration, the TABC seems to think they are above the law. In 2006, the Commission led "Operation Last Call", in which persons in bars and other alcohol serving establishments were arrested for being intoxicated. Captain David Alexander, head of the Operation Last Call Task Force said, "Going to a bar is not an opportunity to go get drunk...It's to have a good time, but not to get drunk." Who knew? Seems it is true...you do learn something new every day. This Commission also has a form of torture known to all who serve or have served alcoholic beverages in Texas. It's name is TABC certification. I know, I know, it is not as catchy as "enhanced interrogation" but, I assure you, it is quite painful.

The TABC mandates and monitors the certification for persons who work in establishments serving alcoholic beverages. Every two years, this certification must be renewed by waiters, bartenders, caterers, and the like. This is three hours and twenty minutes of your life you will never get back. The pain is so real you may contemplate suicide before the three hours and twenty minutes are up. I am not sure who decided on the time requirement for this course, yet they must be half retarded and half sadistic. Today I suffered through this bloodcurdling requirement of being a waiter.

I will let you in on some of the knowledge I was hit with today. You can't serve a known drunkard. Andy Dick and Otis Campbell, this means you! Minors (persons not of legal drinking age) often act immature. Wow! Minor girls often wear tight clothes to attract the opposite sex. I wondered why that last part about attracting the opposite sex was thrown in. I thought this was a course on serving alcohol, not biology. I also found it a bit out-dated since all the Emo boys love tight clothes, and hello, there are girls who like girls. But, the knowledge that really fucked me up, to paraphrase the great Kenny Powers, was this, if you have a customer that is crocked, offer them a complimentary appetizer or complimentary food to help sober them up while you call them a cab. Yeah, you read that right. Complimentary. Free. Gratis.

So to all you unknown drunkards out there, go get tanked at a bar, then demand free food! Tell them the TABC sent you.