Fallen Idol

Deep in the heart of Texas there are rumblings going on. American Idol, that piece of shit show on Fox, is holding auditions for it's new season (number 9 from my shoddy research) in Arlington this Friday. I know this because it is all over the news here in Texas. The news reports are not about how or when one might audition, but about the faux pas AI made about where the auditions are to be held. That's right folks, those people who will be bringing you the next fodder for entertainment television apparently do much shoddier research than myself.

The AI website says Dallas-Cowboys Stadium is the location of the auditions this Friday. However, Cowboys Stadium is located in Arlington, not Dallas. "Live Large. Think Big." is Dallas' new slogan and it represents the "can do" mentality of the city. Dallas is diverse, luxurious, and bustling. So says the AI website. It also says, both registration and auditions will take place at the Cowboys Stadium. It then gives the address: Dallas Cowboys Stadium, One Legends Way, Arlington, TX 76011. Hmm, which is it AI? Dallas or Arlington? Dallas is 27 miles from Arlington.

To Texans, 27 miles is just a hop, skip, and a jump. But to most AI dream seekers, this may be a huge obstacle. I have only watched AI once, and it is 10 minutes of my life I will never get back. The 10 minutes I did watch was an early part of the season (season 2, if I am remembering correctly) when they show all the wannabe idols who are sadly buffoonish, and instantly rejected. These are the people whose dreams are crushed in seconds. These are also the people who probably spent their meager nest-egg trying to get their 15 minutes of fame. I picture these folks hitching rides or their cars over-heating just to make it to the audition.

Lucky for them, AI has forewarned them about how to get to where their dreams may come true. No lie...on the AI website it says, cars are the main mode of transportation around Dallas, but there are plenty of eco-friendly options available too. Dallas Area Rapid Transit (DART) provides bus and rail transportation. A single ride costs $1.50, and a day pass is only $3.00. HOWEVER, DART will not take you to the new Cowboys Stadium in Arlington. To get there, you will need to drive. AI can't provide a shuttle?

To add insult to injury, the Arlington Convention & Visitors Bureau is orchestrating an e-mail campaign to let AI know which "bustling" city, known by the Flying A on the water tower, is the home of the new $1.15 billion stadium. If it's written on a city's water tower, the town must be bustling. Water towers are the new way to get a town on the map, and maybe even on the travel channel. Diane Brandon, the bureau’s vice president of marketing and public relations says, "It’s going to take a little while before it’s in the public consciousness that the stadium is in Arlington." I am thinking, if in a state where football is more important than education, people will figure it out.

I have an idea AI. Why don't you just pick out all those rejects before you belittle them in front of millions of Americans, put them on the Greyhound headed to Austin, where every Wednesday night they hold auditions for Stripper Idol at Palacio, a gentlemens club. Put these people out of their misery tout suite. You can do society a favor and show these poor souls where they will eventually end up after their dreams are crushed, the strip club.

Cruise Director Julie McCoy I'm Not

Somehow working at a restaurant in the downtown area has given people the idea that I know a lot about what is going on in the city on any given day. Well, I am here to tell you that I don't. I am just the lowly waitress bringing your food and drink. I wait tables at a restaurant across from a park that hosts all types of festivals, concerts, and the like. The restaurant is also three blocks from an arena which hosts sporting events, concerts, comedy shows, and other such happenings. Three blocks in the other direction is an amphitheater where many concerts are held. Whenever one of these venues has something going on the restaurant becomes much busier. That I like. It puts more cash in my otherwise empty pockets. What I don't like is the bombardment of seemingly innocent questions I am asked during these rushes. (For those of you who have never worked in the restaurant industry, a rush is when it is so busy you don't have time for anything but the waiting of tables.)

Some of the questions asked are so idiotic it makes me want to slap people. I am going to the concert up the street. Do you know what time the doors open? No, but maybe if you look at the ticket YOU bought that may have the information you need. Do you know what time the music ends? No, but maybe you could check the schedule on your iPhone. If you don't have a one I will rent you mine for fifty cents a minute. Where can we park if we are going to the show? In a parking space near the venue. Do you know who is playing? Okay, this is usually asked when there is a free concert at the earlier mentioned park, but I don't know. I am at work.

Other nights, or days when there may be something going on further downtown, I am often asked random questions that only the employees or members of the chamber of commerce are privy to knowing. Do you know what is going on downtown? Nope, just here working today. Hope you find the answer. There are a bunch of streets closed downtown. Do you know what is going on? No, I had to work today so I didn't look to see what magical event I might be missing.

A favorite most hated question is asked when I am generally very busy. You may notice I am busy working, because I am your waitress. But hey, ask away. Can you take our picture? Sure, just let me wipe the sweat off my brow so I don't fuck up your nice digital camera, and right after I take the orders, bring the drinks, and serve the food to my other tables. You know, those other people you could have asked to take your picture, the ones just sitting around at the next table not working.

However, the icing on the cake has to be questions regarding whether or not I have some crayons or something that will keep your children at bay while you try to eat a nice dinner. It is not my responsibility to keep your children entertained. Those are called baby-sitters. A novel concept...I know.

Try to remember people, I am your waitress. I am not a cast member on your TV cruise ship. I am not your cruise director Julie McCoy, here to help you when you can't help yourself. I am not your bartender Issac Washington, who had a right answer for everything. Nor am I Yeoman-Purser Burl "Gopher" Smith, who went on in real life to become a US senator, helping to create the laws regarding sound ordinances, closing of streets, and where parking is allowed or not allowed. (On a federal level, but you get the idea.)

Get a baby-sitter, be informed about your leisure activities, and let me do my job. I'm busy!

I Want My Two Dollars

Rumor has it that Oprah may have said, in these hard economic times people should tip waiters 10-15%. I can't find any confirmation of this rumor but, it seems that it is all over the interweb, and on the mind of every waiter I know. I know a lot of waiters, and they are all cursing Oprah when tipped on the 1960's end of the tipping spectrum. What I did find, is that it may not have been Oprah, but a writer for O, The Oprah Magazine. The article allegedly was printed in 2002. I can't access this article from my computer because it must be paid for before reading. Since those jerk-offs have been leaving me 10% lately, I neither have the resources to pay for said article, nor do I want to give her and her empire any of my less than normal cold hard cash. Regardless, knowing what I don't know of Oprah ( I know nothing), she had to have known what was printed in her magazine.

I have been experiencing the effect of this alleged rumor, and it is not making me happy. I fully understand that times are tough, but if you feel that tipping is not within your budget, eat at home. If you feel the need to go out to eat, then go to your local fast food restaurant where tipping is not expected (or taxed based on your sales regardless of the tips made). The creepy Burger King king will give you free Star Trek glasses if you order certain items at his restaurant. You don't have to tip, and you get something for free that you can use at the dinner table.

What I did find out is that Oprah says to tip 15-20%. This can be found on her website. Here's the rub, and I quote, "Normally, 15 to 20 percent of the total bill—20 percent for a first-class place." What the fuck Oprah? If you receive proper service, then tip the 20%. Get your head out of those elitist clouds. Okay...okay. Some of you may be saying, "what if the service is bad?" Then yes, you may choose to tip poorly, or not tip, dependent on the degree of bad. Just know that waiters in Texas, at least, make $2.13 an hour.

So, to all you a-holes that have been leaving me a $4.00 tip on a $40.00 check, I want my two dollars.