The answer and much more will be revealed at the end of this rant.
But seriously, when did ranch dressing become a condiment? Wow...egg on my face...dressing is a condiment, by definition. A condiment is: (noun) something used to give a special flavor to food. A synonym is dressing, and according to Wikipedia, ranch dressing is a condiment made of buttermilk or sour cream, mayonnaise, mince green onions, garlic powder, and other seasonings mixed into a sauce. Just a heads up, "other seasonings" is code for MSG.
Working in an Italian restaurant, ranch dressing has become a popular condiment to pair with pizza. This isn't the worst thing in the world, but it is ranked up there with ketchup on a beautifully cooked medium rare filet mignon. Who wouldn't want to douse their food into a bowl of buttermilk and mayonnaise? I mean c'mon! A cupful of semi-gelatinous white cream with other seasonings? Really!?!
But, here is where my discontent really lays, when this scenario plays out while waiting tables at the restaurant. If a person knows that they must have a specific condiment with their food, ask for it when ordering your food. No one likes high maintenance anything. I also have a displeasure for those customers who require pints of ranch dressing but, feel there should be no charge for the shocking amount of "condiment" they need for their food. It adds up people. Food costs, labor, many behind the scenes goings on. Remember that old saying? There's no such thing as a free condiment.
Oh yeah...I almost forgot...the answer to the title of this blog...
Put ranch on it.
I live in a college town. What else can I say?
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Time I Will Never Get Back
Last week I attended a monthly meeting at the office job. There was an agenda written, as per usual at meetings. However, the first topic of discussion was not on the agenda. The topic, and I kid you not, was about the wall clocks in the buildings where I toil every weekday. The specifics of this discussion were regarding the changing of said wall clocks. Apparently, there seem to be wall clock fairies who change the time on the clocks to make it look like they are either on time, or leaving at their scheduled time.
The folks who work in the facilities management department stated these clocks were atomic clocks. I beg to differ. I think facilities just said they were atomic clocks to scare employees. Atomic is a scary word. But, in reality, these clocks are just wall clocks made in clock sweat shops that are bought in bulk by the state. They are not atomic clocks for in the actual "clock" of an atomic clock there is an electronic oscillator operating at microwave frequency. The oscillator is arranged so that its frequency-determining components include an element that can be controlled by a feedback signal. The "atomic" part is used to generate a feedback signal to keep the oscillator tuned to the correct frequency. My understanding of this concept, and granted I am not a scientist, is that the clock will default back to the correct time.
This discussion went on for a good 20 minutes before co-workers suggested remedies to the clock changing problem. Perhaps...a metal guard over the clock to block clock changers. Burglar bars for clocks...I see a money maker that will profit from government coffers being gouged by stupid ideas. Maybe...take all the wall clocks out of the building. That was vetoed based on the assumption that the wall clocks were there for the purpose of orienting one to the area in which they work. I know I would not be able to find my cubicle if there were no wall clocks. I would be looking around like a mouse in a maze. How about this idea...use the clock on one's computer to monitor in and out times. It would work like the old punch card time clock system...except different.
I am baffled by the nonsense that wastes my time. Time I will never get back!
The folks who work in the facilities management department stated these clocks were atomic clocks. I beg to differ. I think facilities just said they were atomic clocks to scare employees. Atomic is a scary word. But, in reality, these clocks are just wall clocks made in clock sweat shops that are bought in bulk by the state. They are not atomic clocks for in the actual "clock" of an atomic clock there is an electronic oscillator operating at microwave frequency. The oscillator is arranged so that its frequency-determining components include an element that can be controlled by a feedback signal. The "atomic" part is used to generate a feedback signal to keep the oscillator tuned to the correct frequency. My understanding of this concept, and granted I am not a scientist, is that the clock will default back to the correct time.
This discussion went on for a good 20 minutes before co-workers suggested remedies to the clock changing problem. Perhaps...a metal guard over the clock to block clock changers. Burglar bars for clocks...I see a money maker that will profit from government coffers being gouged by stupid ideas. Maybe...take all the wall clocks out of the building. That was vetoed based on the assumption that the wall clocks were there for the purpose of orienting one to the area in which they work. I know I would not be able to find my cubicle if there were no wall clocks. I would be looking around like a mouse in a maze. How about this idea...use the clock on one's computer to monitor in and out times. It would work like the old punch card time clock system...except different.
I am baffled by the nonsense that wastes my time. Time I will never get back!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Peligro Resacas
I have been trying to expand my Spanish vocabulary. I have mostly been doing this through reading billboards, other types of signs, pamphlets, and announcements given while riding public transportation. It has come in handy when I try to impress co-workers from Honduras and Mexico. Although they generally look at me like I am loca, or crazy for those of you who don't know the Spanish language.
While on my yearly vacation to Cocoa Beach, Florida this past July, I came upon a sign on my way to the beach. It read, Peligro Resacas. When translated into English it means Danger Riptides. A Riptide, also known as an undertow, is a strong channel of water flowing away from the shoreline, typically through the surf line. These currents are a source of danger (hence peligro) for people, dragging swimmers away from the beach and leading to death by drowning when they attempt to fight the current and become exhausted. But recently, this phrase brought new meaning to me.
There are many different personalities (personality disorders would be more appropriate) when one works in an office building with more than 1,000 people. Being the professional that I am, I try to overlook the bullshit, and just do my job. But ultimately, I am sucked into drama that I have nothing to do with, nor care about (peligro resaca).There are a few nut jobs that try to get me involved in their craziness. I try to swim along the shoreline to avoid getting sucked into the undertow, but alas...it leads to death by drowning my sorrows in vodka at the end of the day.
There is the person who asks you a question, and when you give them the answer they don't believe you. You know what?! This is why there is the internet, and other hard copy reference materials. Figure it out for yourself. Don't suck me into your stupidity. There is the person that complains about others being loud, and they are the loudest person in your area. Not only by talking over cubicles, crunching snacks, crackling open that bag from which their crunchy snacks come, but also invading personal space with scents such as patchouli. Three feet of personal space is the required norm.
Oh, and when you point the finger at others, there are always three pointing back at you. There are those that complain about the job. I have four words for you. Get a new job.
Wow, that WAS exhausting. I am going to swim along the shore, and tread water when I get to a calm place. Peace.
While on my yearly vacation to Cocoa Beach, Florida this past July, I came upon a sign on my way to the beach. It read, Peligro Resacas. When translated into English it means Danger Riptides. A Riptide, also known as an undertow, is a strong channel of water flowing away from the shoreline, typically through the surf line. These currents are a source of danger (hence peligro) for people, dragging swimmers away from the beach and leading to death by drowning when they attempt to fight the current and become exhausted. But recently, this phrase brought new meaning to me.
There are many different personalities (personality disorders would be more appropriate) when one works in an office building with more than 1,000 people. Being the professional that I am, I try to overlook the bullshit, and just do my job. But ultimately, I am sucked into drama that I have nothing to do with, nor care about (peligro resaca).There are a few nut jobs that try to get me involved in their craziness. I try to swim along the shoreline to avoid getting sucked into the undertow, but alas...it leads to death by drowning my sorrows in vodka at the end of the day.
There is the person who asks you a question, and when you give them the answer they don't believe you. You know what?! This is why there is the internet, and other hard copy reference materials. Figure it out for yourself. Don't suck me into your stupidity. There is the person that complains about others being loud, and they are the loudest person in your area. Not only by talking over cubicles, crunching snacks, crackling open that bag from which their crunchy snacks come, but also invading personal space with scents such as patchouli. Three feet of personal space is the required norm.
Oh, and when you point the finger at others, there are always three pointing back at you. There are those that complain about the job. I have four words for you. Get a new job.
Wow, that WAS exhausting. I am going to swim along the shore, and tread water when I get to a calm place. Peace.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Shamrock Out With Your Cock Out!
Every year my family and I meet in Cocoa Beach, Florida for my mother's birthday. Every year new places pop-up to visit (drink good beer). A couple of years ago, right across the street from the condo we call home for a week, a place called Nolan's opened. A nice little Irish pub actually owned by Irish folk. They have a weekly trivia night. The topics range from music to sports to Irish trivia. The best part of the festivities, for me anyway, is naming one's team.
We only visit for that 1 week yearly. So for one night, for the past 2 years, my family and I have played on this one blessed day. You may wonder why I might call it a blessed day when religion plays no part in my life. I am here to tell you. The winner of the trivia contest receives a $50.00 bar tab. Unfortunately, that has not happened for me and mine. There are other winners. Best team name and worst team name. No, you don't get free drinks, but you do get goofy prizes while the whole pub boos or praises your team name.
That's right! We have now won 2 years in a row (the week that July 17th falls) for worst team name. This year we were team Shamrock Out With Your Cock Out (Thanks D.). And, the year before we won with the team name Erins' Go Braghless.
Personally, we had the most imaginative names. The name that won the first year we played was the F.S.. They didn't use the actual words, the fuck sakes, they had to pussy out with an acronym.
I can't wait for next year...the boobs that shake the barley? If anyone has any suggestions for next year I will share the pot of gold. That is, the crap one finds on the ground on St. Patty's Day left by those lovable drunkards some liken to Irish. Everyone knows St. Patrick's Day is an American made holiday. But, if we win with a suggested name, the Guinness is on me.
We only visit for that 1 week yearly. So for one night, for the past 2 years, my family and I have played on this one blessed day. You may wonder why I might call it a blessed day when religion plays no part in my life. I am here to tell you. The winner of the trivia contest receives a $50.00 bar tab. Unfortunately, that has not happened for me and mine. There are other winners. Best team name and worst team name. No, you don't get free drinks, but you do get goofy prizes while the whole pub boos or praises your team name.
That's right! We have now won 2 years in a row (the week that July 17th falls) for worst team name. This year we were team Shamrock Out With Your Cock Out (Thanks D.). And, the year before we won with the team name Erins' Go Braghless.
Personally, we had the most imaginative names. The name that won the first year we played was the F.S.. They didn't use the actual words, the fuck sakes, they had to pussy out with an acronym.
I can't wait for next year...the boobs that shake the barley? If anyone has any suggestions for next year I will share the pot of gold. That is, the crap one finds on the ground on St. Patty's Day left by those lovable drunkards some liken to Irish. Everyone knows St. Patrick's Day is an American made holiday. But, if we win with a suggested name, the Guinness is on me.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
NPR Hearts PBR
Pabst Blue Ribbon is now a sponsor of National Public Radio's show All Things Considered. Actually, they have been for a while. Is it just me, or did NPR become less highbrow with this latest addition to it's sponsors? I had always thought of NPR as catering to the intellectual crowd. Those that like fine wine, classic literature, and the fine arts. Pabst Blue Ribbon conjures up dive bars, knife fights, and bikers...not the intelligentsia. When I think of All Things Considered, I think of the wine snob drinking Chateauneuf-du-Pape, not the local drunk drinking Pabst.
PBR was founded in 1844 by Jacob Best in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Milwaukee, a place you can go see the Brewers play baseball. Where inevitably, you will see many a drunk fan with no shirt, painted body parts, fighting in the bleachers. The ball park is now called Miller Park (the Miller Brewing Company took over production of PBR in 1999). Milwaukee does not bring to mind left-leaning suits on their drive home slamming some brewskies, listening to a mix of news, interviews, commentaries, reviews and offbeat features. Okay...maybe during the offbeat features.
I find it hard to believe that any of the three hosts, Robert Siegel, Michele Norris or Melissa Block are pounding Pabst after a hard days broadcast. I do however remember the movie 'Blue Velvet', where the characters Frank Booth (Dennis Hopper) and Jefferey Beaumont (Kyle MacLachlan) have a heated exchange regarding beer. The seedier Booth asks Beaumont, "What kind of beer do you like to drink, neighbor?" Beaumont replies, "Heineken." Booth shoots back with "Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon! " I could believe the hosts of All Things Considered sipping Heinekens. But chugging PBR? I think not.
I know it is only an advertiser (sponsor). In the same way I also know that Andi McDowell, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Beyonce really don't use Loreal Hair Color from the box for their lovely locks. They go to a professional who uses only the finest products to obtain that color and sheen. But then again, I have heard using a beer rinse on one's hair makes it stonger and fuller.
So here's to you All Things Considered, a toast with PBR in hand, to a stronger and fuller hour of NEWS!
PBR was founded in 1844 by Jacob Best in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Milwaukee, a place you can go see the Brewers play baseball. Where inevitably, you will see many a drunk fan with no shirt, painted body parts, fighting in the bleachers. The ball park is now called Miller Park (the Miller Brewing Company took over production of PBR in 1999). Milwaukee does not bring to mind left-leaning suits on their drive home slamming some brewskies, listening to a mix of news, interviews, commentaries, reviews and offbeat features. Okay...maybe during the offbeat features.
I find it hard to believe that any of the three hosts, Robert Siegel, Michele Norris or Melissa Block are pounding Pabst after a hard days broadcast. I do however remember the movie 'Blue Velvet', where the characters Frank Booth (Dennis Hopper) and Jefferey Beaumont (Kyle MacLachlan) have a heated exchange regarding beer. The seedier Booth asks Beaumont, "What kind of beer do you like to drink, neighbor?" Beaumont replies, "Heineken." Booth shoots back with "Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon! " I could believe the hosts of All Things Considered sipping Heinekens. But chugging PBR? I think not.
I know it is only an advertiser (sponsor). In the same way I also know that Andi McDowell, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Beyonce really don't use Loreal Hair Color from the box for their lovely locks. They go to a professional who uses only the finest products to obtain that color and sheen. But then again, I have heard using a beer rinse on one's hair makes it stonger and fuller.
So here's to you All Things Considered, a toast with PBR in hand, to a stronger and fuller hour of NEWS!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Sky Masterson and Nathan Detroit Return in 'Bros and Bitches'
Okay, this blog is not about a sequel to the fabulous Guys and Dolls. There is no sequel to this musical (none that I am aware of anyway). But, I did hear Guy Ritchie is working on a remake starring Justin Timberlake, which I will TOTALLY go see on opening day. JT is H-O-T! He brought sexy back. Or, at least lyrically, is bringing sexy back.
A question I do have is whether or not JT will be paid with a marker aka an IOU? That is, if the state of California is footing the bill. That's right, the state controller of California has been forced to pay taxpayers, local governments and small businesses with IOU's, or markers as they are known by the gamblers of the 1955 film. Maybe the Governator's favorite musical is Guys and Dolls. Maybe he thinks of himself as Sky Masterson whose markers were always good. Nathan Detroit's not so much. Poor Miss Adelaide.
The state of California has decided these taxpayers, local governments and small businesses must not need cash in these tightened economic times. They only need a marker. If the suave Sky Masterson can get the dowdy Sergeant Sarah Brown to go with him to Cuba, then why can't California get it's contractors, citizens, and the like to swallow the same lines? "Something you want for something I want."..."Have dinner with me tomorrow night."..."Keep this. It's my marker."..."My IOU for one dozen genuine sinners delivered as described." Oh...that's right. Americans (Californians included, sans the Cuban and Cuban-Americans thanks to Obama) still can't get to Cuba without first going through another non-American port.
The majority affected by these shenanigans are those that have contracts with the state for certain services. For example, the company that provides french fries to the California prison system. They received an IOU. They can take it to one of three major banks who will honor the marker, only through this Friday. Then, perhaps they may be able to pay their employees if one of these banks is the same bank from which they write their payroll checks. Otherwise, they will be at the mercy of credit unions, check-cashing storefronts, and Craigslist entrepreneurial enthusiasts offering .85 cents on the dollar for these markers.
It must be known too that Ah-nold wanted to borrow millions from local governments and release some prisoners early to save money. I applaud the Governator for trying to cut the budget. But at the same time, perhaps he should barter with McDonald's for french fries. That would be a win-win situation. What inmate wouldn't want Mickey D's fries? Everyone is "Lovin' it" on the outside.
I have an idea Mr. Schwarzenegger. If you love your state so much, why don't you marry it? Sorry, that was so 3rd grade. But seriously, why not take some of those millions earned from your films, and pay down California's debt? It would be like giving back to your community.
Sincerely, and committed to my community,
Pickles
A question I do have is whether or not JT will be paid with a marker aka an IOU? That is, if the state of California is footing the bill. That's right, the state controller of California has been forced to pay taxpayers, local governments and small businesses with IOU's, or markers as they are known by the gamblers of the 1955 film. Maybe the Governator's favorite musical is Guys and Dolls. Maybe he thinks of himself as Sky Masterson whose markers were always good. Nathan Detroit's not so much. Poor Miss Adelaide.
The state of California has decided these taxpayers, local governments and small businesses must not need cash in these tightened economic times. They only need a marker. If the suave Sky Masterson can get the dowdy Sergeant Sarah Brown to go with him to Cuba, then why can't California get it's contractors, citizens, and the like to swallow the same lines? "Something you want for something I want."..."Have dinner with me tomorrow night."..."Keep this. It's my marker."..."My IOU for one dozen genuine sinners delivered as described." Oh...that's right. Americans (Californians included, sans the Cuban and Cuban-Americans thanks to Obama) still can't get to Cuba without first going through another non-American port.
The majority affected by these shenanigans are those that have contracts with the state for certain services. For example, the company that provides french fries to the California prison system. They received an IOU. They can take it to one of three major banks who will honor the marker, only through this Friday. Then, perhaps they may be able to pay their employees if one of these banks is the same bank from which they write their payroll checks. Otherwise, they will be at the mercy of credit unions, check-cashing storefronts, and Craigslist entrepreneurial enthusiasts offering .85 cents on the dollar for these markers.
It must be known too that Ah-nold wanted to borrow millions from local governments and release some prisoners early to save money. I applaud the Governator for trying to cut the budget. But at the same time, perhaps he should barter with McDonald's for french fries. That would be a win-win situation. What inmate wouldn't want Mickey D's fries? Everyone is "Lovin' it" on the outside.
I have an idea Mr. Schwarzenegger. If you love your state so much, why don't you marry it? Sorry, that was so 3rd grade. But seriously, why not take some of those millions earned from your films, and pay down California's debt? It would be like giving back to your community.
Sincerely, and committed to my community,
Pickles
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Fallen Idol
Deep in the heart of Texas there are rumblings going on. American Idol, that piece of shit show on Fox, is holding auditions for it's new season (number 9 from my shoddy research) in Arlington this Friday. I know this because it is all over the news here in Texas. The news reports are not about how or when one might audition, but about the faux pas AI made about where the auditions are to be held. That's right folks, those people who will be bringing you the next fodder for entertainment television apparently do much shoddier research than myself.
The AI website says Dallas-Cowboys Stadium is the location of the auditions this Friday. However, Cowboys Stadium is located in Arlington, not Dallas. "Live Large. Think Big." is Dallas' new slogan and it represents the "can do" mentality of the city. Dallas is diverse, luxurious, and bustling. So says the AI website. It also says, both registration and auditions will take place at the Cowboys Stadium. It then gives the address: Dallas Cowboys Stadium, One Legends Way, Arlington, TX 76011. Hmm, which is it AI? Dallas or Arlington? Dallas is 27 miles from Arlington.
To Texans, 27 miles is just a hop, skip, and a jump. But to most AI dream seekers, this may be a huge obstacle. I have only watched AI once, and it is 10 minutes of my life I will never get back. The 10 minutes I did watch was an early part of the season (season 2, if I am remembering correctly) when they show all the wannabe idols who are sadly buffoonish, and instantly rejected. These are the people whose dreams are crushed in seconds. These are also the people who probably spent their meager nest-egg trying to get their 15 minutes of fame. I picture these folks hitching rides or their cars over-heating just to make it to the audition.
Lucky for them, AI has forewarned them about how to get to where their dreams may come true. No lie...on the AI website it says, cars are the main mode of transportation around Dallas, but there are plenty of eco-friendly options available too. Dallas Area Rapid Transit (DART) provides bus and rail transportation. A single ride costs $1.50, and a day pass is only $3.00. HOWEVER, DART will not take you to the new Cowboys Stadium in Arlington. To get there, you will need to drive. AI can't provide a shuttle?
To add insult to injury, the Arlington Convention & Visitors Bureau is orchestrating an e-mail campaign to let AI know which "bustling" city, known by the Flying A on the water tower, is the home of the new $1.15 billion stadium. If it's written on a city's water tower, the town must be bustling. Water towers are the new way to get a town on the map, and maybe even on the travel channel. Diane Brandon, the bureau’s vice president of marketing and public relations says, "It’s going to take a little while before it’s in the public consciousness that the stadium is in Arlington." I am thinking, if in a state where football is more important than education, people will figure it out.
I have an idea AI. Why don't you just pick out all those rejects before you belittle them in front of millions of Americans, put them on the Greyhound headed to Austin, where every Wednesday night they hold auditions for Stripper Idol at Palacio, a gentlemens club. Put these people out of their misery tout suite. You can do society a favor and show these poor souls where they will eventually end up after their dreams are crushed, the strip club.
The AI website says Dallas-Cowboys Stadium is the location of the auditions this Friday. However, Cowboys Stadium is located in Arlington, not Dallas. "Live Large. Think Big." is Dallas' new slogan and it represents the "can do" mentality of the city. Dallas is diverse, luxurious, and bustling. So says the AI website. It also says, both registration and auditions will take place at the Cowboys Stadium. It then gives the address: Dallas Cowboys Stadium, One Legends Way, Arlington, TX 76011. Hmm, which is it AI? Dallas or Arlington? Dallas is 27 miles from Arlington.
To Texans, 27 miles is just a hop, skip, and a jump. But to most AI dream seekers, this may be a huge obstacle. I have only watched AI once, and it is 10 minutes of my life I will never get back. The 10 minutes I did watch was an early part of the season (season 2, if I am remembering correctly) when they show all the wannabe idols who are sadly buffoonish, and instantly rejected. These are the people whose dreams are crushed in seconds. These are also the people who probably spent their meager nest-egg trying to get their 15 minutes of fame. I picture these folks hitching rides or their cars over-heating just to make it to the audition.
Lucky for them, AI has forewarned them about how to get to where their dreams may come true. No lie...on the AI website it says, cars are the main mode of transportation around Dallas, but there are plenty of eco-friendly options available too. Dallas Area Rapid Transit (DART) provides bus and rail transportation. A single ride costs $1.50, and a day pass is only $3.00. HOWEVER, DART will not take you to the new Cowboys Stadium in Arlington. To get there, you will need to drive. AI can't provide a shuttle?
To add insult to injury, the Arlington Convention & Visitors Bureau is orchestrating an e-mail campaign to let AI know which "bustling" city, known by the Flying A on the water tower, is the home of the new $1.15 billion stadium. If it's written on a city's water tower, the town must be bustling. Water towers are the new way to get a town on the map, and maybe even on the travel channel. Diane Brandon, the bureau’s vice president of marketing and public relations says, "It’s going to take a little while before it’s in the public consciousness that the stadium is in Arlington." I am thinking, if in a state where football is more important than education, people will figure it out.
I have an idea AI. Why don't you just pick out all those rejects before you belittle them in front of millions of Americans, put them on the Greyhound headed to Austin, where every Wednesday night they hold auditions for Stripper Idol at Palacio, a gentlemens club. Put these people out of their misery tout suite. You can do society a favor and show these poor souls where they will eventually end up after their dreams are crushed, the strip club.
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